All Behavior is Communication

Kari Burch

Dr. Kari is an Occupational Therapist and Certified Transformational Parenting Coach. She loves following her heart and helping others do the same, especially when it comes to changing the way we parent the next generation of leaders and learners.

When you get down to brass tacks, small children do not yet have enough language and verbalization skills to let us know exactly what they want or need.  So, when they are having a hard time, sometimes what we see are “behaviors” like tantrums and acting out.

What if instead of seeing “behaviors” that need to be corrected, we try to get to the bottom of what’s going on for the child? 

​How to Look Under the Surface

Consider an iceberg. The tip of the iceberg is the behavior you see (maybe a behavior like crying, biting, hitting, or saying ‘no’). But underneath the tip of that iceberg are the causal factors.  Beneath the waterline, we find all the reasons WHY the behavior may be occurring. It could be many things such as:

• Big feelings:  To a child who wants to do something and is told no, or not yet, this can feel BIG. BIG GRIEF. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. BIG ANGER. Their frontal lobes aren’t yet developed to inhibit automatic reactions or to talk themselves down. Big feelings can be a huge culprit for behaviors. 

 

• Overstimulation! Let’s be honest… even adults get overstimulated! And boy does it make us irritable and grouchy. Here are a few things that could be building up overstimulation in your child, leading to behavior.  
  • Loud noises (e.g. from hearing spoken instructions, other kids’ conversations, music, noises from items banging, loud air conditioners)
  • Lots of feelings on their skin: scratchy shirts, or being too hot or cold, or sweaty
  • Internal body sensations: hunger, thirst, pain, needing to use the bathroom
  • Strong desires or preferences: wanting autonomy, wanting to be able to make choices
  • Developmental processes: not being able to make themselves wait, not understanding why they can’t do what they want to do, not yet knowing how to communicate what they want or need

 

• Understimulation!  Unlike the above, the child’s body may actually need MORE stimulation, a change of task, or a change of scenery. 
  • They may need to move their body - getting out some energy with running, heavy work activities like carrying heavy items, or climbing
  • Listening to calming music 
  • Wearing a weighted blanket on their laps
  • Doing some yoga videos - we love Cosmic Kids on youtube

 

• Thoughts and Ideas: Having their own ideas of what they want to do or accomplish that they can’t accommodate yet. You can cope by acknowledging what you think they want. “Oh, you are wanting so badly to go outside. The problem is, it’s raining and we can’t. It’s okay to be frustrated. I’m here.”

 

• Learning Differences: Needing to be told something in a different way, or given extra time or guidance can be frustrating!  Make sure your child knows that needing to learn in a different way doesn't mean they aren't just as smart or good as their friends.

 

• Feeling Unsafe: If the child doesn’t feel that you are connected to them, and seeing/understanding them, they can feel unsafe and begin to have ‘behaviors.’  Establishing connection can be a helpful first step to managing behaviors that come up.

Underlying any behavior could be one, or a combination, of the above factors! So, instead of only correcting behaviors or explaining WHY they can’t do something - explore underlying needs that may be present that you can address.  In other words, don’t just look at the tip of the iceberg, look beneath the surface too!

Simple Ways to Connect and Communicate

We will address more communication strategies in a future blog, but here’s a simple starter for when a behavior is occurring: the AVR. (Acknowledge - Validate - Reassure). 

• Acknowledge the feeling: example, “Wow, you’re feeling so mad! You want that train!”
• Validate: “It’s hard when someone wants to share, but you aren’t ready to share yet, that can be really tough!”
• Reassure: “We will figure this out together.” 

We hope this was helpful! Share your lightbulb moments with us!